A few months ago, I read an article on CNN.com about the connection between madness and creativity. It seemed that the idea light bulb floating above my head remembered how to turn on. This was exactly what was happening to me. In the height of my depression and anxiety I was completely in touch with the creativity portion of my brain. Words seems to spill out like a waterfall.
Granted, I was a complete mess. I felt like I was on a permanent acid trip comedown… Feeling every emotion at once but at 1000 times stronger than ever before. Nowadays, I don’t feel such a variety or depth of emotions. Don’t get me wrong, I feel emotions, but they always seem muted. I don’t feel like I am as touch with who I am mentally as I did at my craziest.
So that brings me to the most recent few months… I have decided that I want to try and stop taking my crazy meds entirely. I don’t want to take my Cymbalta or Xanax anymore. I haven’t wanted to take it, or even wanted to need it, in a really long time. Hell, when I was first diagnosed as having major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder it was my mission to not have to rely on medication. I think that I have finally reached the point where I can do this.
I have learned a lot about how food, meditation, exercise, acupuncture, and other things can better control my depression and anxiety. I don’t want to feel like parts of my brain have been shut off or dying from non-use.
Now… if I can just convince my doctor that I’m completely rational and that this is a good thing. 🙂